The beginning part two

Tired was the name of the game in the Young home. Aaron was always gone doing something for the church and I was busy with a two year old and a small baby. We seem to be lost in what we were both during. I in my heart started to resent Aaron cause when he was home he was worn out and emotionally unavailable. This is not what I had thought married life would be like. Before long we both had dived head long into a trap. Aaron was busy with the Lord's work and being the best youth pastor he could be, he seemed to have forgotten about me and the kids. I was busy being the best mommy ever and youth pastor's wife I could be that it seemed I had forgotten about Aaron and being his wife. Most of all during this time I fell away from the Lord and I stopped spending time with him. "Sorry Lord I have to many other things I have to worry about. You will have to wait." This proved to be a fatal mistake.

January 2002 started off wonderful. We took our high school kids to a winter camp and brought in the New Year with all these kids we had grown to love very much. I felt like there mother and felt a really purpose for them. It was a great weekend and I felt renewed by it. It was a huge high for me. Again God seem to be smiling down on me. It was awesome. I came home feeling light. As in any mountain sometimes a valley is waiting right after you come from that high. I was on a high but still very weak from my resentment and to be honest lots of spiritual immaturity. Satan and his crafty ways started to feed on this. He started to feed me lie after lie. I in a very weak state started to believe these lies. Here is where the roller coaster takes it down hill decent.

March of 2002- this is where I found the art of wearing a mask. It will be a recurring theme throughout the telling of our story. I started wearing "I am great on the outside but dying on the inside" mask. I felt alone in my life. Aaron was to busy and God was to big and to far away to help. I am a attention seeker and love to have it. It is something I will battle for the rest of my days. Being a mother of two little ones is not the most praise worthy job ever. I loved being there mother but they don't tell you "Hey mommy you look great today and by the way you are during a wonderful job being our mommy" Yeah didn't happen. I was desperate to hear these things. I wanted to hear them from the man I married and pledged my life to. That is what he is there for right?? I started to resent Aaron for not. One thing about resentment and exceptions is that they only destroy you. Aaron was unaware of my feelings because I was wearing that mask. I should of run to him and been honest with him. Again I had gotten into a trap of hiding feelings and truth. Lies where becoming truth. I deserve someone who pays attention to me and feeds my attention seeking personality. Right???

Satan in his crafty way used me. He is set on destroying any of God's people. He set his claws into my heart and mind. I allowed my mind to be fooled. I played into all his wicked ways. This is a part of my life that still today brings tears to my eyes. I wanted attention and I got it. It just was not with the man I had pledged to be faithful to. It started off small. " Hey Jill you look tonight." " You sure are good with those kids." Again and again it was feeding that hole I had been feeling. Make a long story short I was head long into a emotional affair!! WHAT!!! No!!! that is not what I wanted for my life that is not what the fairy tell is supposed to look like. God what happened? " You believed the lie!" In any sin you can't hide from the God. It was discovered what had been going on. This is a very low point in our life. I ran so far away from the truth. I traded life for death. We lost many things. To this day I still where a mark in my heart. It was a very painful place to be. The roller coaster had seemed to stop at the bottom. How were we ever going to pick up the piece. Would we ever be whole and what of the our marriage and our vows. This can't be!!!!