Which mask should I where today??

Midland was now to be our home again. From the sanding shores of Savannah to the dry desert. It was a bigger move then I thought it would be. In my heart as we pulled away from our home we had made in Savannah and all our dear friends. I found a new friend. RESENTMENT!!!! I was holding a lot in and picked up some more old friends. My masks! "I thought I had destroyed these. HUH, oh well it will go away when we get settled in. I am just sad to leave and move again. Yeah it will go away Right????? "


We got settled in and started right in. Aaron was busy again with church work and was excited. He had all kinds of new ideas. I was trying to get our house put together and settle back into Midland.



One thing I could do that I could not do in Savannah was get involved in the choir and singing. In Savannah I had poured myself into the kids and just put it on the back burner. It was cool cause I felt I had something on my own. I joined the praise team and was getting solos. I loved every minute. I forgotten how much I loved to sing.


I was more visible at Kelview. Aaron was seen more of a pastor then a youth pastor. (there is a difference in some churches) and i was very involved in the praise team and out on stage a lot. With being more visible you can get good praise and negative talk as well. As many of you know I am loud and outgoing and have tendencies to speak with out thinking. I started to get lots of " You don't act like a pastor's wife!" " Your like no pastors wife I have ever meet." Sometimes I think people liked that about me and then most of them just didn't know how to take me. I say all this to say resentment and, bitterness had all ready entered into my heart and this compounded the issues. I was so torn!!!


This is where the my darkest season of my life is about to take life. April 2005 we had only lived there for about 3 months. I had not lost any of the my Darci weight and with living in the land of fried foods for almost 3 years I had gained lots of weight. I had finally got sick of being heavy so I took some action. With lots of hard work I lost 70 pounds!! I was feeling great and I was finally feeling good about myself. I could wear things I had never been able to, and now I was no longer a frumpy old housewife. I was a hot sexy mama.


I started to do this for health sake but it quickly turned into a monster I like to call VANITY!!! I was consumed with looking good on the outside. I started to find it harder and harder to be with the Lord. The inside was starting to look pretty dark. Bitterness, resentment and vanity had slowly and quickly taken hold of my heart. Masks became a regular thing for me. I had all kinds. I could blend into what ever place I was in. I had perfected the Pastor wife mask. I knew just what to look like and how to act like. God became just a Sunday thing and nothing more. I had even started to hide everything from Aaron again like my resentment and my lack of time with the Lord. I was losing me and getting swallowed up by all my masks!! I had become a actress.

We lost so much and were so wounded and not knowing what was next. A broken man a shamed wife and there two very small children packed up their things and went to the desert. West Texas desert that is. My uncle was able to get Aaron a job at car lot in sales. It was a long way from what we had know but it was something. We started to go to there church. We were very much alone and hurting. It did become a place of healing and rest for awhile. We got a little counseling and felt we were better. We got plugged in and started to feel safe again. We still had desiring to be in full in full time ministry. Little did we know that we were going to get a chance to do that again.

One day we got a call from a pastor in Savannah GA. He was interested in us and wanted to come as youth pastor of there church. Well we were pumped. We bored a plane and took a weekend to see the church and for them to see us. We came home and felt it was a place for us. We could not wait. January 1st 2003 we packed up our stuff and made a long journey from all the family and friends we had ever know. It was not a easy move but we were ready to get back in the ministry . We could not wait!!! God again seem to be smiling down on us.

We arrived there and it seemed like a perfect fit. It was a wonderful time in my life. We made lots of friends and many of them became like family. Our ministry grew and really began to thirve. This was a very sweet time for me. We added another addition to the Young family. This time a girl. Darci Grace was born on May 5th 2004. I was settled and so comfortable with my life. Aaron and I were finally there again and working as a solid team. We had it all a great ministry, a marriage that seemed like what we had always wanted, three very beautiful children, and wonderful friends. Life was good!! I could of stayed in Savannah for the REST of my days.

I knew that Aaron was not happy with some of the things with the church but I thought it would pass. He was struggling and we start to talk and see what was the next step. I was getting so worried and fear was rising in my heart. "NO GOD NO!!! I don't want to leave I am just fine here."

Aaron got another phone call this time from Kelview Heights Baptist Church. It was the church we had gone to while we were in Midland. They were looking for someone to take over the singles and college ministries. It would be a good chance for Aaron. I was ok with it cause it would bring me closer to my family and we already knew people there. So again we packed up the car and another Uhaul and moved back to the desert.

The beginning part two

Tired was the name of the game in the Young home. Aaron was always gone doing something for the church and I was busy with a two year old and a small baby. We seem to be lost in what we were both during. I in my heart started to resent Aaron cause when he was home he was worn out and emotionally unavailable. This is not what I had thought married life would be like. Before long we both had dived head long into a trap. Aaron was busy with the Lord's work and being the best youth pastor he could be, he seemed to have forgotten about me and the kids. I was busy being the best mommy ever and youth pastor's wife I could be that it seemed I had forgotten about Aaron and being his wife. Most of all during this time I fell away from the Lord and I stopped spending time with him. "Sorry Lord I have to many other things I have to worry about. You will have to wait." This proved to be a fatal mistake.

January 2002 started off wonderful. We took our high school kids to a winter camp and brought in the New Year with all these kids we had grown to love very much. I felt like there mother and felt a really purpose for them. It was a great weekend and I felt renewed by it. It was a huge high for me. Again God seem to be smiling down on me. It was awesome. I came home feeling light. As in any mountain sometimes a valley is waiting right after you come from that high. I was on a high but still very weak from my resentment and to be honest lots of spiritual immaturity. Satan and his crafty ways started to feed on this. He started to feed me lie after lie. I in a very weak state started to believe these lies. Here is where the roller coaster takes it down hill decent.

March of 2002- this is where I found the art of wearing a mask. It will be a recurring theme throughout the telling of our story. I started wearing "I am great on the outside but dying on the inside" mask. I felt alone in my life. Aaron was to busy and God was to big and to far away to help. I am a attention seeker and love to have it. It is something I will battle for the rest of my days. Being a mother of two little ones is not the most praise worthy job ever. I loved being there mother but they don't tell you "Hey mommy you look great today and by the way you are during a wonderful job being our mommy" Yeah didn't happen. I was desperate to hear these things. I wanted to hear them from the man I married and pledged my life to. That is what he is there for right?? I started to resent Aaron for not. One thing about resentment and exceptions is that they only destroy you. Aaron was unaware of my feelings because I was wearing that mask. I should of run to him and been honest with him. Again I had gotten into a trap of hiding feelings and truth. Lies where becoming truth. I deserve someone who pays attention to me and feeds my attention seeking personality. Right???

Satan in his crafty way used me. He is set on destroying any of God's people. He set his claws into my heart and mind. I allowed my mind to be fooled. I played into all his wicked ways. This is a part of my life that still today brings tears to my eyes. I wanted attention and I got it. It just was not with the man I had pledged to be faithful to. It started off small. " Hey Jill you look tonight." " You sure are good with those kids." Again and again it was feeding that hole I had been feeling. Make a long story short I was head long into a emotional affair!! WHAT!!! No!!! that is not what I wanted for my life that is not what the fairy tell is supposed to look like. God what happened? " You believed the lie!" In any sin you can't hide from the God. It was discovered what had been going on. This is a very low point in our life. I ran so far away from the truth. I traded life for death. We lost many things. To this day I still where a mark in my heart. It was a very painful place to be. The roller coaster had seemed to stop at the bottom. How were we ever going to pick up the piece. Would we ever be whole and what of the our marriage and our vows. This can't be!!!!

In the begining... Part One

All my life I spent my life waiting to find a husband, get married ,have children, and live happily ever after. Dreaming of that day. Wondering what he would look like. Would he be the man of my dreams? Would he come and sweep me of my feet? When would he come? I had a list filled with lots of exceptions. Well I didn't wait patiently. I thought I could just go on and date anyone and get rid of that one if he didn't meet what I wanted, or didn't meet my expectations. I would say " God I know I should wait and seek you during this time but this is so much easier and a faster way. I think I know better Lord. Sorry!" Well years of just being boy crazy and trying to find myself in boys. Left me searching for who I truly was and left me with ALOT of scars.

Still very young and immature God allowed my path to cross with a very handsome tall and all around great guy named James Aaron Young. He was awesome. He was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. We fell in love quickly and I started to think this was him the one I have been waiting for . He met all the exceptions and I could check all the boxes on my list. Our relationship moved at a fast pace. We started dating in February , got engaged in June and married in November all in the same year. There was no time to breathe!! It was an amazing time for us. We had to be long distance for awhile and that was tough but it only made our love grow . We were very young and really not knowing what we were in for but oh we LOVED each other. To this day I wish I could take 20 year old Jill and shake her and say take this serious. It is not like playing house, but my love for him was so strong it would stand through anything right?. We were married November 11 1995. It was a day I will always remember. I remember his eyes and how my heart beat so hard. How awesome it felt to be in his gaze and have him love me. He made me tingle from my head to my feet. When I saw him I knew this is who I have been waiting for. He was everything to me. We said our vows and pledged our love to each other before God and all our love ones. We walked off the stage to go live happily ever after.

Being married was a lot different then we had once thought. I thought every day would be sunshine, lots of love, and just pure passion. Kinda makes you laugh hearing it. Well it turned into a roller coaster ride from day one. We surrendered to full time ministry six months into our marriage. Aaron started bible college and we took on the jr. high ministry at our church. We threw ourselves into ministry. Aaron stayed really busy with school, work , and then handling a ministry. It was the start of the up hill part of a roller coaster. Things were good. We loved our life and doing great with it. Three years into our marriage we added a another thing to balance. This one was a awesome addition. Daniel James Young was born on September 4 1998. It was a wonderful addition. I was not only a wife I was now a mother. It made my heart full. Aaron worked and was in school full time and I was able to be a stay at home. Bliss full days!! I loved it all. God seem to be smiling down on the Young's.

Aaron was in his senior year of college and we were still plugging along. I was wife mother and also loving on a bunch of jr high kids. It was again like God was shinning down on us. Another addition was coming to the Young home. Dawson Aaron Young was born October 31 2000. He was a great addition and again I was mommy. It was great. During Aaron's senior year Aaron lost his job at MCI. We were so distraught. We didn't know what we were going to do. God provided and allowed Aaron to get the full time youth pastor job at the church we had been doing the jr high at. It was perfect. We were going to stay in Springfield and then get to work with the kids we had been working with. It was perfect. Yet again God seemed to be smiling down on us.

Working at a church seemed quiet different from the outside working force. Aaron was always busy and always having to do something for the church. He was always tired and mentally drained every night he came home. I was trying to be a good wife and mother and also be a youth pastor wife. We were both fraying on the ends. I was so tired........