Which mask should I where today??

Midland was now to be our home again. From the sanding shores of Savannah to the dry desert. It was a bigger move then I thought it would be. In my heart as we pulled away from our home we had made in Savannah and all our dear friends. I found a new friend. RESENTMENT!!!! I was holding a lot in and picked up some more old friends. My masks! "I thought I had destroyed these. HUH, oh well it will go away when we get settled in. I am just sad to leave and move again. Yeah it will go away Right????? "


We got settled in and started right in. Aaron was busy again with church work and was excited. He had all kinds of new ideas. I was trying to get our house put together and settle back into Midland.



One thing I could do that I could not do in Savannah was get involved in the choir and singing. In Savannah I had poured myself into the kids and just put it on the back burner. It was cool cause I felt I had something on my own. I joined the praise team and was getting solos. I loved every minute. I forgotten how much I loved to sing.


I was more visible at Kelview. Aaron was seen more of a pastor then a youth pastor. (there is a difference in some churches) and i was very involved in the praise team and out on stage a lot. With being more visible you can get good praise and negative talk as well. As many of you know I am loud and outgoing and have tendencies to speak with out thinking. I started to get lots of " You don't act like a pastor's wife!" " Your like no pastors wife I have ever meet." Sometimes I think people liked that about me and then most of them just didn't know how to take me. I say all this to say resentment and, bitterness had all ready entered into my heart and this compounded the issues. I was so torn!!!


This is where the my darkest season of my life is about to take life. April 2005 we had only lived there for about 3 months. I had not lost any of the my Darci weight and with living in the land of fried foods for almost 3 years I had gained lots of weight. I had finally got sick of being heavy so I took some action. With lots of hard work I lost 70 pounds!! I was feeling great and I was finally feeling good about myself. I could wear things I had never been able to, and now I was no longer a frumpy old housewife. I was a hot sexy mama.


I started to do this for health sake but it quickly turned into a monster I like to call VANITY!!! I was consumed with looking good on the outside. I started to find it harder and harder to be with the Lord. The inside was starting to look pretty dark. Bitterness, resentment and vanity had slowly and quickly taken hold of my heart. Masks became a regular thing for me. I had all kinds. I could blend into what ever place I was in. I had perfected the Pastor wife mask. I knew just what to look like and how to act like. God became just a Sunday thing and nothing more. I had even started to hide everything from Aaron again like my resentment and my lack of time with the Lord. I was losing me and getting swallowed up by all my masks!! I had become a actress.